30 March 2013

nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change


personal post, don't feel like you have to read, I just wanted somewhere to ramble.




There has been a lot on my mind lately, and I am feeling lost. I have always thought I should keep a diary as a way of controlling my thoughts, but I just haven't got round to starting. Starting is always the hardest, and I feel that once I start, it all becomes real. I don't like to stare my thoughts in the face. It's easier for me to keep things in my head as they become much easier to bury, or can be put into their own separate little boxes, deep within the cells of my brain and I don't have to face them, physically. If I am really honest, though, I think my brain has hit capacity.

Lately I have been feeling that I have lost my way. My three years at university are nearly up and so is my time in London. I have to say goodbye to the friendships I have made, the town I have become accustomed to, and the independence of living by myself. It's time to go home. The thing is I don't know where home is anymore. If I talk literally, my home is in a little place further south with my parents. Well it's a house, with a mum, a dad, and two siblings, but when I am there I feel more alone than ever. I have a great bunch of friends, but I feel so far from them than ever because we're on different paths. They have their own lives: some with boyfriends, some with children, some with great jobs and their own houses, and well some, some are just away travelling the world. The saddest part of growing older is losing friends and I just wish sometimes you could freeze a moment in time and return to it whenever you feel you need to. London has become my home, and although I still don't believe to have completely found myself, I have found a beginning, a start, and I'm not ready to let that go. I have laid all of these worries down to stress. The stress of self pressure, the stress of questioning my ability, and the stress of being a small fish in, well, a big ass pond, and significantly, the stress of fulfilling my ambitions. I have a vast amount of dreams, and I feel as though I am taking four steps back for every one step I take forward. Yes, I think you've gathered by now that I am a terrible cliché.

When I left home to come to university I made a decision. I decided that although advised I wasn't necessarily ready to do so, I would make a pact with myself to leave all my demons at the front door. The black cloud, the negative thoughts, and the stupid chemical imbalances in my brain that made me feel that way. Three years on, nothing has altered dramatically, but things have changed. I still get those bad days when all I want to do is scream for guidance, I still feel alone and struggle to let anyone else in, and sometimes I want to give my life away completely. But despite all of this, I am healing. I am on the path to finding myself whoever that may be. I am beginning to become afraid that when I pack up my things and head back home, back to that front door again, I will be back where I started, and I will be the girl I have spent three years running away from.

Change is always difficult. Granted. Change can be good, but it can also be bad, and I guess the reason for all of this amounts to one fact: I am scared. I just hope one day, and one day soon my path brings me back to London, and back to my best friends, and all of the friends I have met through the likes of work and blogging, and hopefully when that time comes I will know who I am, what I want from life, and am strong enough to go for it.


9 comments:

  1. lovely post <3

    www.AMBERSVGE.blogspot.co.uk x

    ReplyDelete
  2. This reduced me to tears, I can relate to this in a way. I have no friends, I know that sounds dramatic and you're probably thinking, oh yeah you do. I have my boyfriend and that's it. I wish I could go back in time and fix we're I fucked up and lost my friends, I really wish I could. Because the reality is, if I lost my boyfriend, I would have nobody and that's that. I really hope you are okay and if there is anything I can do to help, I would really love to. Email me if you want to talk, my email is kimberleyevans180895@hotmail.co.uk

    Http://kimberley-xxx.blogspot.co.uk


    Xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, Jem... Growing up and leaving uni isn't as hard as I thought it'd be. Sure, I still missed the uni fun, the nights out with the usual crew and the nights in with the girls, but there is so much more now. And don't worry, you will still get all that fun AND more! Your friends will still be there and visiting them will only make for long weekends away. And if you can't quite adjust to being a grown up, you can always do an M.A., like I did! ; )


    You're probably still going to be in London when I get back so please DO come around for coffee. :)

    -Elodie x

    http://www.elle-yeah.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think the end of uni/start of your "real life" is one of the hardest phases for young people! It can be easy to lose your way or not know where to start. You've had some great experiences though which I am sure will stand you in good stead as you make your way in life :) It was weird for me as I'm a Londoner so I left London for uni then came back here, but it is hard to move back home wherever it may be! xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. You got me a little bit teary here, Jem! I can totally relate, and I think many other people can do, so we're not alone in it at all. You know you always have me, and you can come stay with me for a long weekend and we'll hit the town! x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh jem cat, please don't be sad. I understand its very daunting, the aspect of change but when our paths cross in London (soon!) we shall have no cares in the world and growing up with not bother us. It'll be like never land

    ReplyDelete
  7. I can relate to this post so much. Just know that I feel the same way as you. You are so brave to post this out on the web, and girly, thank you.
    I personally keep a journal, and it helps me to feel like my emotions are real and also to get them out of my head. Sometimes I can't go to sleep without journaling my thoughts.
    Some fun parts about having journals is that you can buy really pretty ones and also have cute pens to write with! That was one of the things that motivated me to journal daily in the beginning. Now it's just habit and I live filling each one up and then buying a new cute journal to write in!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your post really resonated with me - I totally understand every word you're saying. I too am fearful of returning home after university, and although I am currently in my 2nd year - I hope that I will be able to move out straight after university. We change so much, we grow, and while our lives feel like they're headed somewhere, our home lives feel a bit like the road to nowhere and that's such a hard pill to swallow because for me anyway, my home life was (most of the time) pretty bloody great. Just know that you're not alone, and you will make it in London - just looking at your blog, your talent, your drive - you're sure to do well. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi Jem, I've never commented on your blog before but this post has really moved me to say something and reach out. I left university in 2011 and I remember the uncertainty and feeling of loss that hung over the final segment (mine coincided with the break up of a relationship as well) but I went on to have the best summer to date. It ended up being really freeing to not be tied down with plans for September, or a house to live in or even just anywhere I head to be and I ended up being able to take up lots of really exciting work opportunities that allowed me to travel (I'm a musician) and have the best time. I hope you end up having a fantastic time and seeing university as something that opened a lot of doors and shaped you into knowing what you want from the future, rather than an isolated three years in the context of your life. You will go far! All the best xxxx

    ReplyDelete