When someone asks me what I want out of life, I guess like the majority, it is happiness. I've always been one to struggle with the ideal of happiness, never really understanding what it was, and always striving for something, but not really knowing what I was actually striving for. I think of myself as a dice. I have many, many sides. This has been my struggle growing up; one side of me would be completely content, another would be incredibly ambitious, another side deeply depressed, and another utterly confused and bewildered as to what I was doing, or where I was going. As I have gotten older, I have realised that happiness cannot be strived, it is a feeling, often fleeting, rather than a destination. This understanding saved my life, I am being honest when I say that...
In terms of living life, I have always had an idea of where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do. I had an idea in my head and I stuck with it, even when I wasn't that fond of that particular idea anymore. It was like I had confined myself to one space, one path, and wasn't allowed to stray; because that would mean I was failing. Failure is one of my biggest fears, and I often fail my own aspirations. In equal part, I am scared of what I could achieve, what could happen if I did something else, took a risk. I set myself up in a negative way all the time and I don't know how to stop. There's not a positive switch I can flick, I am negatively flawed.
Those from the outside looking in think I've got it all figured out, thinking I am living the life I had always dreamed. But I am living a mere percentage of what I truly want out of life, and I am scared that if I continue, it will be this lonely forever more. One thing that is really getting my goat at the moment is not being taken seriously, or certainly feeling that way. I often converse my insecurities about certain choices, my career and life in general, and all I hear back is 'but you're only young, you're twenty three'. What has that got to do with the price of chips these days? I have always had an old head on my shoulders, and I joke most of the time about being old before my time, but I quite like being that way. I have just come to the understanding that my life is not reflecting my mind, my heart or what I truly want. I will never admit to anyone what I truly want, because I see it as giving up on the journey I have already created for myself, however it catches me off-guard sometimes. On nights like these for instance, when my mind induces word vomit of thoughts.
I may be young, as people like to put it, but I want to earn enough to feel settled in a flat I can call my own (well, rented - I don't think I will ever own a home, flat or even a shed for that matter). I don't want to be the anomaly among my friends that is no where near as progressed as she should be. I want to fall in love and be a mother, which is - if I am totally honest - all I have ever wanted, but are the two things out of all of these ideals that are the least likely. Most pertinently, I want to feel normal. I want to feel happy, wholeheartedly happy, about living. That sounds completely and utterly morbid, but we're being truthful here, and I've still got a long way to go until I can say I feel glad to be living this life. So many people in my life have built themselves something solid - yes, even at my age - with their own homes, children and/or careers, and quite frankly, it is unsettling. I feel like I am the loser in snakes and ladders; the one constantly sliding down and then getting back up again, but in the end still losing the game.
I guess the moral of this ramble is to be honest with yourselves. Stop running away from the feelings in your heart, and don't let your head rule too much. Just because you're young, doesn't mean you should be spending your evenings binge drinking, or be told you're weird for wanting to live by yourself to create a pinterest-worthy home; or even that wishing to be a Mother at this age is preposterous. We're all searching for happiness, but there is no one-way flight to be booked: it's a moment at a time you least suspect.